How resilient are you? Resilience is the ability to bounce back from a setback – or, to be more precise, resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of tragedy, trauma, threats, or significant sources of stress. Indeed, we all face disappointment, loss and challenge in the day to day business of life. There are so many slogans disguised as solutions, regarding resilience – so how can science help us to find it?
“Resilience is not only something that is ‘inside’ a person, or a fixed trait,” says Yale psychologist, Jacob Tebes, PhD. The former editor-in-chief of the American Journal of Community Psychology, Tebes says that resilience made up of internal factors and outside influences. “I think [resilience] is best conceptualized as a rectangle,” Tebes shares via email, “with nature on one equal side and nurture on the other equal side. Some external conditions can significantly limit resilience for some people, even though each of those same external conditions can also set in motion processes that promote resilience for others.”
The good news is: we all have both sides of Tebes’ rectangle. “Resilience, to some degree, is a quality found in all living things,” Dr. Tebes says. Here’s how to find that resilience inside of yourself – and activate it in others.
1 Resilience: Give Yourself Some Grace
John Kabat Zinn, founder of the Center for Mindfulness, said, “You can’t stop the wave. But you can learn to surf.” Can you find some patience for yourself, while you are learning to surf? Look, if being hard on yourself were going to work, it would have worked by now. Sometimes falling off the board is how we learn, and grow. Growing pains are (wait for it) part of growth. Getting back on that metaphorical board is another way to describe resilience.
2 Resilience: Learn to Zoom Out
John Wooden, the famous UCLA basketball coach, said, “Make each day your masterpiece.” Like a great painter, standing in front of her latest creation, pulling back can help you to make your next move. We all need to step back and see what we are creating. Zoom out, and get a new perspective – a key step in activating resilience.
3 Resilience: What If Gratitude Seems Out of Reach?
Have you ever heard someone tell you to “practice gratitude”, and you wanted to punch them in the throat? Don’t drop that “eat-pray-love” stuff at a funeral, or in the middle of a divorce. Let’s face it: sometimes gratitude is a bridge too far. Perhaps a better place to start is asking yourself, with patience and grace, “What’s good about this?” If you’ve ever seen someone who went through a breakup, only to learn to love again, you have seen resilience in action. Today’s trauma can be tomorrow’s victory march. Seeing things in a new way starts with seeing the good – even if we can’t be grateful, just yet.
4 Resilience: Knowing You Are Not Alone
A big part of Tebes work in communities is about creating social connections and support. “Communities can respond to collective trauma in ways that promote healing, recovery, and health for the community or population as a whole.” Who is in your corner, when times are tough? Do you have a support system in place? Connection is key to creating resilience – because you don’t have to go it alone.
5 Resilience: We All Have It
Sometimes, self-care is more about attitude than activity. That’s according to Jeanette Bronée, author of The Self-Care Mindset. She writes candidly about her father’s terminal cancer diagnosis. How did she cope? Acceptance was key. “We acknowledged how we felt, but we didn’t waste any time dwelling on it. We asked ourselves, ‘What do we need so that we can make this time we have left together precious, remarkable, and a time that would prepare me for being alone?’” From understanding, and acceptance, comes a strength that activates our resilience.
Resilience: Activating Your Internal Compass Is Easier than You Think
In his book, Livewired, Stanford neuroscientist David Eagleman shares multiple stories of individuals who overcame incredible setbacks, such as the loss of a limb, hearing or eyesight – evidence of resilience in action. Eagleman writes of a researcher, Alvaro Pascual-Leone, who was curious about resilience. He wanted to know how quickly the brain could adjust to extreme circumstances. Together with his fellow researchers, Pascual-Leone blindfolded a group of study participants, who had perfect eyesight, thus inducing blindness. The scientists witnessed and documented neural reorganization, the rewiring (or livewiring, to twist Eagleman’s title) of the brain. This phenomenon of resilience happened automatically, allowing for new pathways between the sense of touch and the optical cortex of the brain. The subjects’ brains were literally reorganizing, in much the same way that the blind are able use their fingers to read, via Braille. But here’s the stunning revelation in the study: evidence of resilience – the changes in the brain scans – showed up within less than an hour of blindfolding. Touching objects activated the part of the brain reserved for eyesight, in less than sixty minutes.
Resilience exists. Because neuroplasticity – the ability to literally change our minds – exists. Our brains have the capacity to create new pathways, new adaptations, and new ways of looking at things. Otherwise, we would never grow in emotional maturity, overcome divorce, hit the curve ball, or benefit from coaching and therapy.
Other resources online will offer tips and tricks – like taking a bath, taking a walk, or taking a break from work – in order to activate your resilience. But zoom out before you tackle new tactics: understand that resilience is inside of you. And new resources are available, outside of you. As Dr. Tebes shared, we are influenced by inside and outside factors. Resilience is moving past what has passed – not trying to fix or rewrite history. When times are tough, you don’t have to go it alone. Connect, reach out, find a coach or therapist you trust, and engage. You just might discover the self-care and resilience you need.
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