Have you ever had a hard time saying “no” to an opportunity that you knew deep down would deplete you because you were worried that if you prioritized yourself, other opportunities would dry up? Or have you ever pushed yourself to make as much money as possible, saying yes to as many things as possible, only to find that when you actually reached (or exceeded) your goal, you didn’t feel the joy you expected?
Perhaps you’re trapped in what nationally recognized financial expert Manisha Thakor calls “The Cult of Never Enough,” a painful mindset that brainwashes you to believe that the money you earn and the accomplishments and praise you rack up aren’t ever enough—that you need to be pursuing and doing more. In her latest book, MoneyZen: Escape the Cult of “Never Enough” and Reclaim Your Life (written with Lisa Sweetingham), Thakor shares her own story of being trapped on the Hustle Culture hamster wheel and the toll is took on her health, her relationships and sense of self-worth and share tools to help readers understand why these toxic relationships around money and success develop and how we can change the narrative and enjoy a better quality of life: mentally, physically and financially.
This is very similar to a term you may already be familiar with, scarcity mindset. “If I use the metaphor of having a glass full of water,” Thakor says, “I view the scarcity mindset as being terrified that this is the only glass of water you will ever have and that the water will all evaporate or be drunk up too quickly and never get replenished before you die.”
By contract, the Cult of Never Enough mindset she says, “is feeling like you can never collect enough glasses of water. No matter how many you collect, you feel (fear) it will never be enough to quench your long-term thirst, and you often don’t pause long enough to savor drinking that what when you do swallow it because you are so focused on getting yet another glass of water to add to your collection to quench your endless fears that it will…well, never be enough!”
When the finish line keeps moving
It’s not that we consciously think, “Today, I’d like to develop a messed up relationship with money and work,” Thakor explains. Most people’s experience, she says, is that they wake up one day and realize they’re in this unhealthy situation where they feel like “no matter how much money you earn, how many accomplishments you achieve, how much praise you receive, it’s just never enough to make you feel whole inside because the finish line keeps moving. It’s so easy to get trapped in this because we live in a world that is constantly telling us that the answer to virtually anything that ails us is to do more and to be more.”
Similar to scarcity mindset, this can have far-reaching consequences. Jennifer Gray, a mental health therapist and expert business coach, points out a few red flags, including
- “overworking and worrying constantly about job or revenue loss,
- settling for less compensation,
- disregarding boundaries,
- poor decision-making like impulsive buying due to restrictions and perceived financial insufficiency,
- playing it so safe we miss out on opportunities for financial growth and
- surrounding ourselves with others who mirror our scarcity beliefs and behaviors.”
Gray explains that people get stuck in a cycle. “Managing unconscious and conscious stress drains our energy, making engaging with abundance and creativity more challenging, leading to further drain. It becomes hard to trust yourself, especially if others around you reinforce those beliefs, causing you to live in a place of uncertainty.
Brenna Baucum, CFP®, CTS™ , founder of Collective Wealth Planning, explains, “The first is uncertainty about what actually is ‘enough.’ It’s impossible to feel comfortable when you have no idea how much you need. That feeling of uncertainty leads to an inability to see the forest from the trees. Clients feeling this will often prioritize short-term decisions because they feel easier. Unfortunately, this narrow focus comes at a cost.” This can be related to having difficulty zooming out and making mindful long-term financial decisions, instead “spending their resources (time, energy and money) on more immediate, less satisfying areas.” It can also lead to tunnel vision, working around the clock and neglecting to actually live the life you tell yourself you’re working to build.
The path to burnout
Thakor explains that this pattern can lead to burnout, especially when someone affixes a “busy badge” to their identity, which she defines as “using nonstop, doing either as a source of pride or self-worth or in other cases as a means to hide from situations or feelings that you don’t want to address.” It’s become so common, she points out, that we barely notice it—who’s not “crazy busy,” right?
“The problem with being too busy,” she adds, “is that we are not present in what we are actually doing because we’re jumping from one thing to the next thing to the next thing. And our minds don’t have time to be fully engaged in or reflect back on what we’ve done.” She likens it to running back-to-back marathons and taking zero recovery days in between. ”If you were doing that as a runner, your body would give out, and that’s kind of what’s happening to us—our spirit is giving out.”
Not everybody struggles with feeling like their self-worth is equal to their net worth, Thakor says, but maybe it’s intertwined with other things they equate with “success.” Using the example of a yoga instructor, she explains, “maybe it’s how many people are in their classes or how many private clients they have.” Or professors she’s talked with, she says, “tell me their self-worth is linked to how many published papers they have because that’s the currency in their world.” She adds that when we compare our experience and accomplishments to others, that can also cause us to feel like we don’t measure up and need to do more to keep up or get to where we think we’re supposed to be.
Escaping the cult
To escape the cult, Thakor acknowledges that it’s not easy to let go of long-held patterns, but shares that “the first step is identifying them.” As you start to take steps to make necessary changes to your mindset and your habits, she says, “maybe you take a couple steps forward and then you take a step back,” but it’s still progress that deserves to be acknowledged and celebrated. “As you move along, maybe you stop and you realize, and you change course and focus in a different way that makes your soul feel happy and light.”
Baucum recommends taking a reflective approach to breaking out of a toxic money mindset. “Uncovering the ‘why’ behind your money habits can be eye-opening and help you see that you have a choice if something needs to change.”
To help clients identify their personal “enough” North Star, Jeneé Murphy, a speaker and financial life coach, has them focus on the life they want (regardless of where they currently are) and then work backwards to reverse engineer how to achieve exactly that. “When you start with what you want versus limiting yourself to what you have, you open yourself up to new possibilities, and because our brains are naturally designed to solve problems, you start to see potential solutions to create the life you just envisioned, which is a lot different than trying to figure out how to do more with what you have. Shifting your mindset around money is an inside job first. When you start from the inside out, you’re empowered to make decisions financially regardless of how much money you have.”
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