Few people would say, “Gee, I really would like to be ghosted.” That’s under any circumstances, let alone when they have cancer. But visit discussion forums like Reddit, Quora and Mayo Clinic Connect, and you’ll see how “cancer ghosting” is quite common and has made the tough, tough, tough experience of many cancer patients all the more difficult.
What Is ‘Ghosting’?
Now, in this case, ghosting doesn’t mean that someone yells “boo,” floats around the room howling or keeps wearing a bed sheet when around you. The term “ghosting” is most often used in the context of a romantic relationship, when someone suddenly ceases communication with you without any real explanation or warning, as I’ve described in “A Funny Bone to Pick” for Psychology Today. But you can be ghosted by others such as your friends, family members and colleagues in other relationship contexts as well. Basically, ghosting means the other person behaves like a ghost, fading away without much discussion, perhaps never to appear again. And in most cases, this doesn’t refer to a friendly ghost like Casper.
No, in a romantic situation, for example, a person may ghost you rather than explaining, “Hey, I don’t want to date you anymore”, “I’ve found someone else” or “I have the sexual loyalty of a rabbit.” This can leave you disappointed, hurt, confused and wondering what really happened. It can also leave you in an operational and financial what-do-you-do-now bind if you depended on the ghoster in any way such as making any future plans with him or her.
Cancer Ghosting Can Make A Bad Experience Much Worse
Take all these things up multiple worse levels and you’ve got the potential impact of cancer ghosting. Obviously, cancer isn’t one of those just-walk-it-off sort of things. The diagnosis itself can flip your world upside down in oh so many ways. And the work-up, treatment and other aftermath can be so complex and far-reaching in so many ways. If ever you needed others in your life for emotional support, sounding boards to discuss options, help with logistics and other, you know, friend-like things, this would be the time. Yet, it is also a time when some or many people may go poof.
For example, @chateau posted on Mayo Clinic Connect: “I was diagnosed with colon cancer 6 weeks ago and I have noticed that many of my ‘friends’ have dissappeared.” The 38-yeard-old added the following about what had been her two “closest” friends: “Their initial reactions were normal and they said if they could do anything for me let them know. All I asked is that we have tea or a walk this week and neither have even looked at my message. They didn’t even wish me well for the operation. It’s very hard to take as I was expecting visits or at least calls.”
Later on in the post, @chateau wrote, “I am very sad. I realise I need new friends and I don’t even know where to begin. I would never ignore a friend ever never mind one going through a battle with cancer. I am shocked.” The post concludes with, “I think I am really good company. I think when I don’t have this that some friends see no value in me. Can’t believe it.”
As another example, Natasha Carlson described on the Cure website, how experiencing cancer ghosting was “one of the most painful parts of the entire cancer experience for me. Losing my breasts was hard. Losing my close friend of 22 years…was not something that I had even remotely thought might happen.”
The number of posts out there about cancer ghosting shows that this isn’t just an occasional thing. In fact, some of the posts mention the results of an informal poll conducted by War on Cancer: 65% of respondents reported suffering cancer ghosting from their friends or relatives after they got diagnosed with cancer. That’s well over half.
There Are Many Reasons For Cancer Ghosting
Cancer ghosting can come off as selfish and cruel, and rightly so. And people in general don’t think, “I really want to seem like a $!@&$ to my friends.” Plus, those who ghost you have gotta realize that they may be effectively ending their friendships or any future possibilities with you.
So, why then do people cancer ghost? Well, it can be very hard to tell for each given ghoster, since ghosting also means that the person does not provide an honest explanation or even any explanation for his or her disappearance. But here are some possibilities:
- They never really cared about you in the first place. This is the big “P” parasite possibility where they associated with you previously mainly to gain something personally or professionally. When you’re in a weakened state, you may no longer be able to offer such benefits.
- They are inherently self-centered and lack empathy. For some people it is always about “me, me, me” and, let’s see what else, oh that’s right, “me.” This includes those who may initially appear or act empathetic but deep down really aren’t, such as dark empaths, which I described previously for Forbes.
- They feel that they do not have the time, bandwidth or capability to help you. They themselves may feel under water, consumed with dealing with their own problems. They may perceive adding your challenges to their lives as pulling more blocks out of their already teetering Jenga towers.
- They do not want to be reminded of their own susceptibility and mortality. Seeing you go through bad stuff can be an unwelcome warning that it can happen to them too. Their lives can be turned upside down at any momement. At the extreme, some may even believe that your bad luck may be contagious.
- They do not know what to do. They may fear saying or doing the wrong thing. So their default, rather than asking you what you need, is to do nothing, which can come across as a bunch of doo-doo.
Of course, none of the above reasons may make you say, “Cool. You are the ghost with the most.” Regardless of the reason for the ghosting, though, it’s not your responsibility to figure out why someone did such a thing to you. Ultimately, ghosting reflects some kind of deficiency—whether it’s lack of compassion, insight, confidence, courage, understanding of what friendship means or something else—in the ghosters and not you.
How To Deal With Cancer Ghosting
The best way to deal with cancer ghosting is to move on from the ghosters. No matter how long you have known the ghosters, you have to ask yourself: do you really want such people in your life any more? Will you ever be able to trust them again? If they try to reappear in your life in the future in some way, it may be best to keep them as far away from you as possible unless they somehow can fully explain why they disappeared, earnestly apologize and make amends and can guarantee that it will not happen again.
Now, you may be worried that you do not have anyone else to replace the ghosters in your friendship circle, especially now that you have your diagnosis. Remember, though, what matters in friendship is quality not quantity. Plus, you never know who else can enter your life once you’ve cleared out dead weight and made the space.
Ultimately, cancer ghosting can have its benefits. Such disappearing acts can be great reveals, showing you who people really are. After all, when you are going through a very tough time and really need support, you don’t want people around who only have a ghost of a chance of actually helping you.
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