Have you ever had one of those moments when you realize that you have something completely wrong?
Today, I put the topic of workplace emotional well-being in that bucket. Let me explain.
Sonya walked into a group session I was hosting for mid-career leaders. She looked visibly shaken. “I regret what I said,” she started. “I am so stupid. Now I’ve blown all my chances. I need to look for a new job.”
She went on to describe a big meeting at work. After much discussion about a critical customer issue, she disagreed with a peer to whom many other attendees at the meeting were deferring. He put forward a course of action that, in her opinion, did not address the underlying problem.
Sonya offered an opposing approach; one she knew would yield the results they sought.
Her male colleague was flabbergasted to be challenged publicly and opposed her idea from the get-go.
No surprisingly, her plan ultimately served as the foundation upon which the final solution was architected, with one real exception. No credit was given to Sonya’s contribution. Her colleague usurped the idea, morphed it slightly, then shoved it forward as his own before the meeting concluded.
Prior to joining our group session, Sonya obsessed over the circumstances of that meeting for days. She was beyond upset by the time she arrived.
“I regret saying what I did.” She remarked. Her feelings contributed to a deepening sense of self-doubt that left her in a pool of despair, unsure what to do next.
How would you support Sonya?
Many of us are taught to help Sonya honor her feelings and to support her in taking some action. She might request a meeting with the colleague who opposed her so vociferously. She request a new meeting during which attendees could discuss how to recognize the contributions that she and others made.
My research over the past decade on major changes in our carers and in our lives revealed that this type of response to Sonya may miss something important.
What if the emotions that Sonya is feeling are really all about her growing voice? No more.
I should take a moment to define the word voice. We commonly use the word ‘voice’ to mean that which is audible – or spoken. In my work, I use ‘voice’ to mean our truth, our essence. It can be spoken out loud. It can also be best revealed when we sit silently next to a friend.
Times of major change typically signal an opportunity to turn up the volume on our own voices. The choice to do so involves disengaging from the stability of something known – like a way of being on a work team – and reaching for something new.
So many circumstances can bring us to such moments. A new job. A health crisis. A special event, like a marriage or remarriage. The birth of a child. An unexpected lay off. The loss of a loved one. A breakup. A crummy meeting with peers. A sudden surprise.
In Sonya’s case, it was new responsibilities. She recently took on a new role related to a customer relationship enterprise initiative. This new perch was challenging and exciting and required new behaviors for which she had little experience, like publicly advocating for new approaches.
Here is a little-known fact: When we turn up the volume on our voices, something counterintuitive occurs. Our emotions mobilize in an effort to keep us safe.
BTW, our emotional system is the most sophisticated generative AI system on the planet. It knows which experience or scent or feeling can slow us down or stop us in our tracks.
For Sonya, self-doubt and despair acted like quicksand. Your emotional response likely differs from Sonya’s, but its influence is the same. Emotions can staple our feet to the floor – a counterintuitive response – when we are learning to act in alignment with our growing voices.
What if Sonya’s experience was really about her emotions responding to her growing voice? If valid, we might counsel Sonya on how to get comfortable in her new role – and in her newly expanded voice – instead of the other ideas we stated earlier.
When we reframe emotions, like recognizing a strengthening voice in place of despair, we embark on an unstoppable expansive journey. From this new perch, failure in a meeting, like the one described by Sonya, isn’t failure at all. It is simply a by-product of our growing comfort level with a newly updated expression of who we are. A victory, not a failure.
Emotions are simply that, emotions. They are not a commentary on our professional self-worth nor are they the panacea for conflict resolution at work. They can be instructive in these situations but we will stop short of realizing their incredible value if we fail to reframe them.
For more on reframing emotions, please read my recent book, Dancing with Disruption, or consider becoming certified on a 4-step emotional reframing technique, HAILTM, that emerged from my research. Please visit my website for more information.
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