You may have seen this idea circulating online: keep a folder on your desktop of compliments you’ve received and click it open whenever you need a boost. The concept of a compliments folder to raise confidence and self-esteem has shown up in multiple places over the past few years, from Medium to LinkedIn to Axios to TheMuse.com.
Why all the emphasis on consciously compliment-saving? Isn’t it just a lot of navel-gazing, with a self-affirmation slant?
Well, yes, but noticing and recalling your strengths does not always come naturally, whereas fixating on the negative does. It’s not just that we live in an uncertain, stressful time or that work can feel very competitive, but that we’re wired to notice the negative.
Humans evolved with a negativity bias, says State University of New York evolutionary psychologist Glenn Geher. “People have evolved to pay more attention to negative information and experiences than to positive ones. This hyper-awareness of threats is useful in a jungle where wild animals live, but counterproductive in the modern world, where it can make us anxious and discouraged.
Overcoming the Negativity Bias at Work
For some people, such as those who have recently entered the workforce, focusing on criticism may feel like a good way to learn. After all, everyone makes mistakes in the beginning; noticing them and working to change them is how we improve. This may sound logical, but it can backfire if you overdo it. While learning from mistakes is valuable, fixating on them can sap energy, confidence, and drive.
Even workers with decades of experience can find themselves overly focused on negative feedback, while letting compliments slide past. “It’s so easy to let criticism stick in your mind. The negatives seem to have more staying power than the positive,” says Alice Wexler, an historian and author of six books, who recently turned 81.
Wexler prints out complimentary emails she receives and has done so off and on over the years. Saving compliments and 5-star reviews on Amazon has helped her maintain stamina for her very long, productive career. “Feeling self-doubt or less-than is so common in this very competitive society,” she says, “especially for women. Self-doubt is so common, it’s ordinary.”
But it’s not only new employees and older women who suffer from self-doubt at work. Plenty of mid-career men do, too. A 50-something lawyer who I’ll call Carl wears a rubber band on his right wrist as a reminder to listen for and absorb compliments he receives, a suggestion from a therapist. “I was not hearing the good things people were saying. I realized that I would turn them away or stop and default to the criticism,” he says.
The rubber band reminder has helped. “You hear enough compliments, and it tips the scale. You start reassessing yourself, and also asking, ‘Why am I doing that, turning them away, not hearing the compliments?’”
Keep Compliments to Build Confidence
Keeping track of compliments may help build and maintain confidence. As University of California San Diego psychiatry professor Thomas Rutledge explains in this blog post on Psychology Today. “Confidence is one of the few qualities everyone wants more of,” and it is, “a skill that you can develop or enhance.”
Self-confidence is important for a lot of reasons. Confidence can help you weather challenging moments at work. As we all know, your boss is not necessarily invested in your lifelong wellbeing the way that your parents and possibly even teachers were; you need to be your own morale booster.
Reminding yourself of your successes also is important in terms of maintaining a good relationship with your career. Obsessing about setbacks doesn’t make them go away, but it saps stamina, which is necessary for a long, productive career.
Keeping track of your success and logging positive feedback may also prove useful during your regular performance reviews. Praise and victories are evidence of how well you’ve delivered.
Share the Wealth (of Praise)
Maybe you feel confident enough, or you are getting such a boost from your compliments folder that you want to share that good feeling. Spread the wealth of praise by putting it out into the world. Just as you might need reassurance of your value, you can bet that many colleagues and subordinates do as well.
Just as you mark time in your calendar to give thanks for those who have helped you at work or done a great job, you can schedule in time to offer praise. (You can even buy an old-school, cardstock set of red pre-designated compliments folders printed with affirmations such as “you are all the good things,” and “you are so cool.”)
If you’re a leader, praising people is a great way to give them confidence and energy, and inspire them to work harder. It also can motivate others to follow suit, creating a culture of positive reinforcement, one of the characteristics that people cite as a reason they love their job. Many top tech firms have organized times to thank employees and colleagues, such as during a weekly town hall. If you’re a leader, consider incorporating something similar. If you keep a folder of praise to give to others, you’ll be ready every week with positive feedback to share.
If you’re a contributor, praising colleagues helps create a positive work environment. It also reflects well on you; after all, it takes confidence to praise others, so doing so suggests that you know your own worth and don’t feel threatened by highlighting the good work of others.
When you hear compliments about other people, as long as these comments are public, or you’ve requested permission, go ahead and share them, too. You can send the compliment to the person it concerns, and to that person’s bosses, to amplify the effect. Help them start their own folder!
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